


The Chat

by americangothic



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Everyone Has Issues, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Gen, also, i hope you know that, im basing this off my own group chats oops, nobody is neurotypical, okay so, plus they're all lgbt, shes a trans girl lol, there wont be regular updates :, these kids are straight out of tumblr lol, this is just a wish fulfilment group chat fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-27 05:47:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10802988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/americangothic/pseuds/americangothic
Summary: [8:53]god has added ew, who are the other 19 pilots, cryptid, chaotic good, Harry Styles Jr., and quiznut to the chat.god: welcome to hell//the semi-crack group chat fic you've always wanted





	1. welcome to the ethan jam

**Author's Note:**

> god=allura  
> quiznut=coran  
> ew=lance  
> cryptid=keith  
> who are the other 19 pilots=pidge  
> chaotic good=shiro  
> Harry Styles Jr.=hunk

**[8:53 PM]**

**god has added ew, who are the other 19 pilots, cryptid, chaotic good, Harry Styles Jr., and quiznut to the chat.**

 

**god** : welcome to hell

 

**quiznut** : Allura NO

 

**cryptid** : what the fuck is happenign

 

**ew** : allura wtf is this

 

**ew** : KEITH

 

**who are the other 19 pilots** : lance has been bested again

 

**ew** : shutup pdige

 

**who are the other 19 pilots** : wtf lance…..this is reverse racism :^(

 

**quiznut** : why is this a chat

 

**god** : bc i said so

 

**god** : also keith and pidge kept posting cryptid stuff in the official chat

 

**cryptid** : that's fair

 

**Harry Styles Jr.** : wikihow to breed syrian hamsters

 

**who are the other 19 pilots** : hunk what

 

**Harry Styles Jr.** : im asking for a friend

 

**ew** : its ok hunk we don't need that many anyway

 

**quiznut** : what's a syrian hamster hunk

 

**Harry Styles Jr.** : dont worry about it

 

**quiznut** : :{) if you say so

 

**cryptid** : CORAN NO

 

**ew** : CORAN NO

 

**who are the other 19 pilots** : CORAN YES

 

**Harry Styles Jr.** : pidge no

 

**god** : why

 

**quiznut changed their name to :{)**

 

**:{)** : hehe

 

**who are the other 19 pilots** : i take back my previous statement

 

**chaotic good** : what the fuck

 

**chaotic good set group topic to “why am i here”**

 

**ew** : ok so first of all there was this lion

 

**cryptid** : i found a lion in the desert

 

**ew** : HAHA YES

 

**cryptid** : dont

 

**who are the other 19 pilots changed their name to god**

 

**god** : haha

 

**god** : no

 

**god** : there can only be one

 

**god** : well then

 

**god changed their name to hey ha ha**

 

**hey ha ha** : fun

 

**chaotic good** : brbfrbfbdbdrrbrbrrbrbdbdbdb

 

**ew** : shiro what

 

**chaotic good** : yes

 

**cryptid** : shiro i can hear you sneezing

 

**:{) changed their name to quiznut**

 

**quiznut** : im going to bed

 

**quiznut** : while the night is young

 

**quiznut** : goodnight

 

**Harry Styles Jr.** : goodnight

 

**god** : hunk why is ur name harry styles jr

 

**Harry Styles Jr.** : allura pls

 

**ew** : :^)

 

**cryptid** : wwhat

 

**ew** : ok so

 

**ew** : it was hunks thirteenth birthday

 

**Harry Styles Jr.** : stop right there mister

 

**ew** : what r u gonna do

 

**hey ha ha** : im interested in this storyline

 

**Harry Styles Jr.** : im…...not

 

**cryptid** : you know,

 

**cryptid** : the worst part about living next to shiro isnt waking up at 2 am because you thought you heard him jerking off with his galra arm

 

**chaotic good** : ???

 

**cryptid** : its listening to him snEEZE ALL THE FUCKING TIME

 

**cryptid** : I SWEAR TO GOD SHIRO

 

**god** : :^)

 

**ew** : :^)

 

**hey ha ha** : :^)

 

**chaotic good** : keith is spreading false rumors about me :-(

 

**chaotic good** : this is cyberbullying :’(

 

**ew** : BFSNRNRBBDBDBRBDNDBT

 

**god** : this chat was a mistake

 

**cryptid** : i was a mistake

 

**hey ha ha** : i wasnt

 

**chaotic good** : the condom broke

 

**Harry Styles Jr.** : blocked. blocked. blocked. none of you are free of sin.

 

**hey ha ha** : tru

 

**Harry Styles Jr.** : welcome to the ethan jam

 

**Harry Styles Jr. changed their name to ethan**

 

**ew changed their name to ethan**

 

**hey ha ha changed their name to ethan**

 

**ethan set group topic to “welcome to the ethan jam”**

 

**ethan** : welcome to the ethan jam

 

**chaotic good** : im terrified

 

**cryptid changed their name to ethan**

 

**ethan** : i dont even know what the joke is

 

**chaotic good** : KEITH NOT U TOO

 

**ethan** : one of us

 

**ethan** : one of us

 

**ethan** : one of us

 

**chaotic good** : help me allura

 

**ethan** : one of us

 

**god changed their name to ethan**

 

**ethan** : one of us

 

**chaotic good** : NO

 

**ethan** : just give in shiro

 

**ethan** : become one with the e t h a n j a m

 

**chaotic good** : you know what

 

**chaotic good** : fine

 

**chaotic good changed their name to ethan**

 

**ethan** : are u happy now

 

**ethan** : yes

 

**ethan** : poor coran

 

**ethan** : haha holy shit

 

**ethan** : what is the ethan jam btw

 

**ethan** : ohhhhhh buddy

**ethan** : at the garrison there was a guy named ethan and we had a group chat and there would be random ethan jams

 

**ethan** : hunk why

 

**ethan** : If You Let People In On The Joke It's Funny For Everyone

 

**ethan** : that's true

 

**ethan** : anyway gnight

 

**ethan** : me too

 

**ethan** : two ethans have left. we are down to like 4 ethans

 

**ethan** : im leaving too

 

**ethan** : im gonna go SNEEZE

 

**ethan** : wow fucker

 

**ethan** : ok bye

 

**ethan** : now its just you and me

 

**ethan** : what if there were some sort of alien creature spying on us thru this chat

 

**ethan** : that would be creepy

 

**ethan** : go to sleep

 

**ethan** : its only 9:36

 

**ethan** : youve become self-aware it's time for sleep

 

**ethan** : ok night

  
**ethan** : night


	2. Sleep-Deprived Teens Lick Knives, More At 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dennys is a racist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ill update soon = ill update in a week

**[9:36 AM]**

 

**quiznut:** what happened

 

**ethan:** i can explain

 

**ethan changed their name to space dad**

 

**space dad** : hell

 

**quiznut** : i thought you were responsible shiro

 

**space dad** : i am

 

**space dad** : but i was being cyberbullied

 

**quiznut:** sigh

 

**ethan changed their name to ocean man**

 

**ocean man** : take me by the hand

 

**ocean man** : lead me to the land

 

**space dad** : no

 

**ocean man** : that you remember

 

**ocean man** : *jazz solo*

 

**ethan** : be more specific

 

**ocean man** : whut

 

**quiznut** : change your name back

 

**ethan has changed their name to gay cryptid**

 

**space dad** : sigh 

 

**gay cryptid** : be more specific lance

 

**ocean man** : uh,,,,,

 

**gay cryptid** : what kind of jazz solo???

 

**gay cryptid** : like that one where you zoom in on someones face and its the sexy theme song

 

**ocean man** : no no not that one

 

**ocean man** : wait

 

**ocean man** : yeah no

 

**quiznut** : what,

 

**ethan changed their name to DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST**

 

**DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST** : hey gays come up to the training deck for some sweet training

 

**space dad** : allura is that you

 

**DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST** : yes

 

**quiznut** : go train you quiznuts

 

**[5:47 PM]**

 

**ethan changed their name to pige**

 

**pige** : aalurab..,.,, change yuor name,,,

 

**DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST** : wwhy

 

**pige** : bc i have to scroll through a page of racist dennys each time you say something

 

**DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST** : thats fair

 

**DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST DENNYS IS A RACIST changed their name to falling panthers**

 

**falling panthers** : good

 

**pige** : goofy

 

**falling panthers** : help ive been running on less than three hours of sleep lately and i keep falling asleep

 

**pige** : same

 

**space dad** : wowah allura are u alright

 

**falling panthers** : when…...did u get here

 

**space dad** : a while ago

 

**pige** : im cucking tired

 

**space dad** : cucking

 

**falling panthers** : cucking

 

**ethan** : cucking

 

**ethan changed their name to gwunk**

 

**gwunk** : pidge…….why cucking

 

**pige** : Oh Joy Sex Toy

 

**gwunk** : in the name of the lord

 

**falling panthers** : snzzzzzzzz

 

**gwunk** : me too

 

**pige** : its only 6 yuo sick fucks

 

**gwunk** : Does It Look Like I Care

 

**falling panthers** : im too tired to obey the rules

 

**gwunk** : same

 

**falling panthers** : snnnnzzzzzzzzzz

 

**gwunk** : snzzzzzzz

 

**pige** : fine

 

**pige** : fine

 

**[12:31 AM]**

 

**gay cryptid** : y a w n

 

**pige** : no sleepign in my barn

 

**ocean man** : uhm what

 

**pige** : you heard what i sa;id lance

 

**gay cryptid** : were having a sleepover and pidge has made me vore 12

 

**ocean man** : 12 what

 

**gay cryptid** : im sorry youll have to pay to find out

 

**pige** : to be continued 

 

**ocean man** : whow :((

 

**gwunk changed their name to succulent**

 

**succulent** : anyone want to play tod

 

**gay cryptid** : tod

 

**pige** : tall of duty

 

**succulent** : No…..You Ignorance Fucks……

 

**ocean man** : truth or dare

 

**ocean man** : also LANGUAGE hunk

 

**succulent** : ur not my space daddy :(

 

**gay cryptid** : yes

 

**ocean man** : good

 

**ocean man** : pige

 

**pige** : nyes

 

**succulent** : im starting

 

**succulent** : okay uh

 

**succulent** : fuck

 

**ocean man** : hunk??

 

**pige** : hunk whom are you askign

 

**succulent** : keef

 

**gay cryptid** : dare

 

**succulent** : FUCK

 

**succulent** : um

 

**succulent** : look sexy with a butter knife

 

**gay cryptid** : is that my dare

 

**succulent** : yes

 

**gay cryptid** : okay lemme just

 

**pige** : he just pulled a butter knife out of his bag im yellin

 

**pige** : hes lickin it

 

**ocean man** : pics or it didnt happen

 

**pige has sent the attachment im fucking hollering.jpg**

 

**ocean man** : HOLY FUCK

 

**succulent** : lance was not ready for the onslaught of gay

 

**ocean man** : hunk pls

 

**gay cryptid** : pigdge

 

**gay cryptid** : delete that

 

**pige** : keieth

 

**pige** : no

 

**gay cryptid** : alright my turn

 

**gay cryptid** : lance

 

**ocean man** : I Take Dare Daddy

 

**succulent** : lance Why

 

**gay cryptid** : go over to shiros room and see if hes sneezing

 

**ocean man** : what??

 

**ocean man** : its like 1 am why would he be sneezing

 

**gay cryptid** : he sneeze in he sleep

 

**ocean man** : okey

 

**succulent** : hurry back

 

**ocean man** : i will

 

**ocean man** : He SNEEZED can u beleaf it the absolute madman

 

**succulent** : wait really,

 

**ocean man** : yeh

 

**gay cryptid** : i knew it

 

**ocean man** : pidge

 

**ocean man** : truth or dare

 

**ocean man** : pidge????

 

**succulent** : shes dead jim

 

**pige** : imnntod ead

 

**pige** : truth”

 

**gay cryptid** : podge is fallin asleep as we speak

 

**succulent** : understandable

 

**pige** : i yam NOT

 

**ocean man** : okay pidge

 

**ocean man** : u ready

 

**pige** : yes

 

**ocean man** : whats ur favorite pizza company

 

**pige** : pagliaccis

 

**succulent** : PAGLIACCIS

 

**gay cryptid** : whats pagliaccis

 

**ocean man** : its a pizza place near the garrison

 

**gay cryptid** : oh

 

**pige** : anyway

 

**pige** : honk

 

**succulent** : truffe

 

**pige** : skip the bellhop

 

**succulent** : sign me the FUCK UP

 

**gay cryptid** : what

 

**ocean man** : you dont want to know

 

**pige** : its an inside joke

 

**succulent** : keef truth or dare

 

**gay cryptid** : uNh,,,, truth

 

**succulent** : are you texan

 

**ocean man** : jeopardy music

 

**gay cryptid** : Yefshebsbs

 

**succulent** : ???

 

**gay cryptid** : nOidge

 

**pige** : he hehrbbsbdbbdb

 

**ocean man** : im leavign goodnight

 

**gay cryptid** : gnighfnebtnd

 

**succulent** : sleep well sweet prince

 

**pige** : dont let the bed bugs bite

 

**gay cryptid** : do we wanna keep playing or nah

 

**space dad** : go the fuck to sleep

 

**succulent** : holy shit

 

**gay cryptid** : alrighty

 

**pige** : im never going to sleep

 

**gay cryptid** : me n pidge r gonna watch conspiracy videos on netflix until our eyes fall out of our skulls

 

**pige** : in that case im going to sleep

 

**succulent** : see ya

 

**succulent** : im Sleep now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so tired Help Me

**Author's Note:**

> im definitely writing more soon,,,, sorry if the ethan jam confused you its kind of an inside joke  
> please leave a review i feed on comments


End file.
